Oisin Murphy: I considered quitting after serving ban for failed drugs test
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Murphy: I came close to quitting
Oisin Murphy admits he came close to turning his back on race-riding following a difficult and high-profile period of his life after serving a drugs ban.
The champion jockey is the latest star name to guest on the My Sporting Mind podcast, sponsored by Sporting Life.
He admits there were times he felt he was going to lose his title during a testing late-summer period before he was able to fend off the challenge of William Buick - all amid a failed drugs test in France that ultimately led to a six-month suspension.
And, at his lowest, Murphy considered giving up race riding.
"I felt like the world had turned against me, over something I didn't really mean to happen," Murphy told My Sporting Mind presenter Charlie Webster.
"I probably spent a couple of weeks thinking about what I should do and when I say 'I wouldn't get back on a horse', I'd obviously go riding on the roads and watch show jumping and ride as a hobby, but whether I wanted to race-ride again is something I wasn't entirely comfortable with.
"That's something I haven't really touched on before, certainly not publicly.
"When I went to America [for the Breeders' Cup] I was hoping I'd done enough to win the Jockeys' Championship and by the time I rode in my last race, I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to ride again.
"Or I wasn't sure where or when I wanted to race-ride again."
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Murphy will be back on March 11 after his six-month suspension was reduced to three following a semi-successful appeal, but admits he struggled mentally heading into the autumn as performances declined while he awaited news of his fate.
"There was a medical hearing and they absolved me of taking cocaine myself, and then you have your actual hearing in another couple of weeks," he explained.
"I was obviously pleased not to get my full sentence of six months - I was a bit disappointed not to get zero - but they gave me three, and I thanked them for considering my case.
"I didn't ride very well in August and as a result of that my confidence and my whole outlook took a dip as well.
"I remember not sleeping for days on end, I might get an hour here and there then wake up. Your mood changes and declines. People tell you the best thing to do is speak and voice your thoughts, but sometimes you're not in the mood to speak to anyone.
"One thing that got me going again was watching lots of motivational videos on YouTube, lots of celebrity ones too including Denzel Washington. They can really get you in the mood and get you out of bed.
"I stopped feeling sorry for myself and got through August and I won a Group One in September, my strike-rate improved to above 20%."
In a better place mental health-wise, Murphy had the goal of retaining his jockeys' title to aim for at the backend of 2020 and, while it looked a foregone conclusion at one point, he had to shut off the looming fear of a long ban to focus on securing his crown once more.
"The Jockeys' Championship - which means so much to me - was extended to early November and having led from flag-fall, the boys behind me got very close," Murphy said.
"October didn't look so well as I knew I had to miss parts of the season including flying to America to ride at the Breeders' Cup.
"I had the drug case weighing on my mind, every time I tried to forget it I'd get a letter in the post about it and it would be on my mind constantly again. I knew I had good people behind me that really helped, but my future was still very much up in the air, which was very hard.
"I remember clearly around October 21 I was riding on a very cold evening at Kempton and I remember feeling the season was going to be defined one of two ways - I could fight on or let my season, my year, crumble to nothing.
"I knew I was going to get the ban, but I also knew that if I didn't win the Jockeys' Championship it would have been a season when I allowed everything that was going on around me to defeat me.
"But if I could get it over the line I'd have proved that where most people would have crumbled, or thrown in the towel, I'd have picked myself up off the floor. And no one can do that for you, you've got to do that for yourself.
"So in late-October, William [Buick] got within four winners of me and I went to Newcastle under real pressure. I rode four winners and the following day at Chelmsford I had six rides and won four of them as well.
"After such a hard time it was at that point I was able to give myself a little bit of a pat on the back having been written-off by a lot of people. That was an important moment for myself, my inner belief and well-being."
The 25-year-old also revealed how Frankie Dettori has helped him get through such a difficult time. Dettori was banned for six-months by France Galop in 2012 after testing positive for a banned substance and admitted taking cocaine.
"He keeps messaging me and telling me not to go off the rails. There was a lot of people worried about me when I found myself with so much free time. He, my management team, friends were all worried.
"I've had a lot of people, checking in to see that I've not done anything stupid, not been drinking excessively and things like that.
"I remember seeing Frankie as he was just returning from his ban. He was overweight, unshaven, he looked miserable and didn't want to talk to anyone. He has very low, which was all very unlike him.
"He had one ride that day that was useless. He could have given up, but he kept battling, he made himself go racing everyday - one ride there, one ride here. The only time he was spoken about in the media was to say his career was done.
"But he kept battling and he turned it all around again. His life, career and mental well-being all turned around. He managed to climb back up and become the face of racing again.
"Everyone's experience and situation is different, but I've certainly taken strength and encouragement from Frankie's journey to help me get through this."
Things are looking up for Britain's Champion Jockey as he nears the end of his ban. And, as he goes for a third successive title in 2021, he has plenty to draw on following a turbulent 2020.
"The higher you climb, the further you fall. I'm twice Champion Jockey, the youngest person ever to win a Japan Cup, and I've tried very hard to do well. If I do come back, and I do very much hope I will, I'm hungry as I ever have been now.
"I feel great at the moment, as we speak I'm in top spirits, but I need to achieve again, I can't just roll back into the jockeys' room and go around riding five horses a day and maybe winning only one.
"If I make it my intention to come back and to do well then I really have to go to another level."
For anyone struggling with their mental health, or just feeling the need to speak to someone and be heard, then call free and anonymously:
- Samaritans: 116 123 or www.samaritans.org
- Mind: mind.org.uk
- SHOUT: Text 'shout' to 85258 or giveusashout.org
- C.A.L.L: 0800 132 737 or callhelpline.org.uk (Wales only)
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